You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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