Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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