You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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