In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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