A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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