I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
