Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
