Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
