I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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