Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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