Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
