Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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