cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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