if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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