awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
