Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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