my being single is dangerous.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
