So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
All I want is dick and wine.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
