Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
