Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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