i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
