I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
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i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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