Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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