goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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