I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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