Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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