I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
