She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I understand Curling. That high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
