apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
