Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We are two peas in an std pod
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
