If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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