He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
