The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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