I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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