im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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