WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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