Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
