you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
