I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
