apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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