We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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