fuck your aforementioned shoe
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
