its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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