nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
