Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
