There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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