she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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