I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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