i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
