sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
