pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
