i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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