You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
