sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
